The first thing to know is that parental support and involvement can have a very positive effect if your teenager is having drug related problems. It’s worth getting advice before you jump in though, since your chances of having a positive outcome will increase with expertly guided preparation.
You know your own child. When they are still young, have chats about day to day things involving drugs and ask them what they think about it. You might chat about a story you see on TV about the effects on people’s brain development and memories. Or you could point out things in the news about some of the behavioural effects of drugs. Or about the way drugs are produced and the way innocent people are exploited trafficking drugs across borders and so on.
You can also casually point out role models – people your teenager admires who don’t take drugs – people who still have a lot of fun in other ways. Or people who you admire who have overcome problems without resorting to drugs.
In other words – open the conversation early so it’s not taboo.
Before you rush in and lecture your teenager about the dangers of drugs, try to get as much information as you can in advance. There’s no point in showing how totally out of touch you are by talking about the drugs that were around when you were a teenager. Maybe your teenager hasn’t even heard of those drugs. A lot of things have changed. Do some research so you’ll sound like you know what you’re talking about. One way of researching is to access the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids’s Drug guide which will tell you more about the types of drugs that children are likely to be trying currently.
Australian psychologist Steve Biddulph has a great approach for tricky conversations – that he calls “side to side” conversations. He means it quite literally. Don’t sit down in front of your teenager to “have the drugs talk.” Wait until you’re doing something “side to side” – driving somewhere (preferably somewhere nice and a long way away) – cooking together – walking somewhere. This approach has been found to make people feel less “on the spot” or defensive.
Obviously, you are worried, scared even, and possibly angry about the situation – but this isn’t the best way to broach a conversation. It’s important you stay calm and very important that you listen.
Try to start with a relaxed conversation, starting with questions about the ‘bigger picture’ – your teenager’s friends, school, and so on. Don’t even mention drugs to start with. Try to ask questions that won’t result in one-word answers – this way, the conversation will be much more likely to flow. Listen to what she says and try to pick up and follow threads.
It will probably take more than one conversation to get her to open up to you – so try to see it as a process which may involve many steps.
Finding out more about your teenager’s wider life will also help you glean whether they might be experimenting with drugs for fun or something more serious.
If it’s for fun, then you can try various approaches to deal with it. Talking about long-term effects on memory and brain function will work for some teens, but will bore others who think it won’t affect them.
An approach that can work with some socially minded teens is that they will be concerned about people being exploited in drug production. So you could talk about that. Do a little research – find some good documentaries or movies to watch together.
On the other hand, your teenager may be experimenting with drugs because they’re depressed or anxious and trying to escape from something.
Knowing the reason will help you decide what sort of approach to take. You might be able to work towards finding some other solutions, such as counselling or joining in community events if you know what the real problem is.
The main thing is to really listen and understand what’s going on before you can consider your approach more carefully – or decide whether you need outside support.
Don’t try to use teen language – or try to be “cool.” Just use your own language and your own experiences if they’re relevant – but don’t try to pretend you know or inhabit your teenager’s world. At least some of the point of being a teenager is to try to distance yourself from parents and it’s healthy to encourage your teenager to do this in a safe way.
Don’t try to scare your teenager by saying something very black and white such as “drugs will kill you” – or “marijuana is the gateway to heroin” – since they will probably have loads of friends taking drugs who seem absolutely fine. Try to keep it realistic and say things they might find realistic – like – “smoking too much weed can make you feel quite low, unmotivated and forgetful” – or “cocaine can make you feel really depressed the next day.” So again – a bit of thought and research might be needed.
Peer group pressure is really important for teenagers. Make an effort to get to know your teenager’s friends – have them around to your house – get involved if you can in things they’re doing – without pushing yourself on them. You’ll get an idea quite quickly as to whether their friends are involved in drugs – and for what reasons. This can help you decide what approach to take – it might even involve trying to encourage some new friendships – which may be quite a long-term aim.
If you’re sure there’s a problem and your teenager refuses to talk to you, try not to panic. There are serious risks involved in drug use but many people who try illegal drugs do not suffer any long-term harm to their health. There is also a good chance you can help support your teenager away from the drugs – so don’t leap to alarmist conclusions. Try to sort out a path you can take from now on, and get support if you need it.
Ideally, this should start way before your child has any exposure to drugs – so it’s never in question. But it’s never too late to start and it’s certainly never too late to say it. That way you have a greater chance of your teenager being honest with you about what they are up to and won’t just tell you what they think you want to hear.
Don’t think your worries will go away after one talk. This might be a very long-term situation. Don’t be provoked or put off talking if your teenager argues, gets embarrassed or storms off. Your opinions do matter to your teenager – even if it doesn’t seem like it sometimes. Revisit the subject when they have calmed down.
You’re trying to help your teenager make good choices in life about drugs. But only they can turn down drugs. Be sure they know you support them, but emphasise that it’s up to them to make positive decisions.
Lena Engel – Parenting Coach
Lena Engel is a parenting specialist with a long career in teaching and managing early years services in local authorities in London. She has counselling and management training, and expertise in the Triple P – Positive Parenting Programme to help parents enjoy their parenting experience.
Lena empowers parents to solve the tricky problems that sometimes come from managing children and supporting their emotional and social development. She offers practical strategies to help cope with difficult behaviour, as well as daily routines, such as weaning, eating, sleeping. Lena offers parents ideas for activities that will help children develop independence skills to prepare them for nursery and school. She also gives useful advice on finding childcare and choosing schools.
Lena has an extensive knowledge of education and will support parents through the process of meeting the needs of children with special educational needs, as well as the process of appeals to primary and secondary schools. She also provides specialised counselling support for separating and divorced parents who are trying to cope with the stress of new arrangements for children.
Lena empowers parents to feel confident in their interactions with headteachers, class teachers and nursery staff to achieve the best outcomes for their children.
She helps parents through difficult life experiences, and is able to be supportive and understanding in every parenting situation.
Selection of Feedback Statements from Lena’s Parenting Clients
Lena could not have been any more helpful – fantastic advice and really put us at ease!
Lena really put my mind at ease about an issue which was causing me anxiety and interfering with my ability to work from home. Her practical solutions and suggestions already made a difference in just one day, and mean that I have more energy and mental bandwidth to focus on work.
7.7.2021
My consultant, Lena, was very knowledgeable and provided me with the information I never would have thought of as childcare beyond nursery is beyond my experience.
7.7.2021
Excellent service, warm and friendly, the expert understood my needs and provided valuable advice and useful strategies. I will be using this service again. Based on my experience today I will ensure that all my colleagues are aware of this facility and use it.
Thank you
15.7.2021
Thanks Lena – this is all great advice and we will work our way through the ideas.
I found it really valuable to talk to you and felt much more positive following our conversation.
I really appreciated it – thank you.
20.7.2021
Hi Lena
Thank you so much for your time and guidance yesterday. I have found it really useful and I’m feeling so much more positive.
Thanks also for the other advice in your email. I really like the idea of the photo book and my daughter loves looking at pictures of herself so I think she would love this J
27.7.2021
‘This is my second time speaking with Lena and I found her to be very helpful and encouraging providing great ideas for me to use going forward.’
‘This is an excellent resource that I have found very helpful. It is great to know that you can reach out and expert advice and times when you really need it. Its a wonderful service that I would highly recommend.’
25.6.2021
‘The expert went over and above with her advice. We always learn many new things about childcare and child education when we speak to Lena.’
25.6.2021
‘Dear Lena,
Thank you very much for the call last night and your advice – there is lots and lots to think about – even just having the tools and ideas on how to improve things and help her be more confident is immensely helpful. We will be trying out some of these straight away!
Thank you once again’
23.6.2021
‘Hi Lena,
I had my meeting with school today and it went well and I just want to thank you for your help.
I really appreciate your help and advice and was able to incorporate your suggestions in my meeting with school, and in how I approached the meeting.’
24.6.2021
‘Thank you so much for your help today.
Our conversation was really useful and the points below are really helpful
Thank you so much’
11.6.2021
‘Excellent service and support
I was given support I needed. It helped me to understand how I can improve communication with my children . It was really helpful to talk to someone independent and experience.’
8.6.2021
‘It’s the first time I’ve used this service and I was really impressed – my expert Lena was fantastic and also said i could ask for her help it required in future – so knowing I can speak to the same person is great. I would definitely recommend this service, we are very lucky to have it.’
I was feeling stressed because of family issues, which of course seeps into the work environment, especially when you are working from home as there’s no getting away. The expert gave me fantastic advice and I feel more at ease – thus it helps me concentrate on the work I have to do as my mind isn’t elsewhere.’
27.5.2021
‘I was really struggling with how to deal with my son’s behaviour and negative thoughts. I have come away feeling optimistic and with a clear way forward thank you
I was seriously considering taking a step back from work because I was struggling to manage challenges at home with my son. Access to expert guidance came at the perfect time and I already feel better able to deal with the challenges and more in control. I feel so fortunate to work for an organisation that provides access to these valuable services and help me as a “whole person”, not just as an employee.’ 25.5.2021
‘I’m very happy – it was quick and easy to arrange’
20.5.2021
‘Only that Lena, and the advice she gave, were both excellent. She listened to our problem, asked lots of questions and then proposed three “focus areas” where we might be able to change our approach. I’ll be honest, I was perhaps a bit skeptical, but these simple changes have had quite a dramatic impact. Many of the problems and issues we were having have stopped. Very impressive.
Having access to a service like this really helps. Working and parenting is hard and tiring! And the reality is that if things aren’t going so well at home, it has a negative impact at work. So having help and support to maintain a positive home life has big benefits when it comes to performance at work.’
7.5.2021
‘Practical and clear advise delivered well and with consideration for the information shared.’
5.5.2021
Thank you again Lena,
I really appreciate you listening and sharing advice to help ensure —— feels in control and independent at home and is less frustrated with her day to day routines. I’m looking forward to sharing your advice with my husband and implementing the recommendations over the coming weeks.
Thanks again
5.5.2021
‘Lena was amazing and helped with so much more than asked of at the beginning , all her tips are helping so much already can’t thank her enough 🙂
This service Is amazing and has helped so much with certain issues
Which helps me be more positive generally to be more productive with work and mum work juggle.’
2.5.2021
‘Very understanding great discussion and follow up email received which was very useful.
Insight into issues with school appeal.’
27.4.2021
‘I had en excellent consultant – Lena – who really helped me and I am following their recommendations.
My daughter started nursery and I was told that many babies have been taking a longer period to settle as they term them “covid” babies. I was told that one baby took 4 months! I was also not very happy with the support from the nursery in terms of informing / advising how the settling-in process is and my head was spinning as I am due to return to work in 3 weeks! I was panicking and was considering a nanny as well as additional childcare. I was strongly advised by the consultant not to mix the the two, and stick with the nursery! The consultant equipped me with how to politely put pressure on the nursery and not feel weak. I feel like I am back in control and will follow all of her recommendations. She also sent me a follow-up email immediately which was extremely helpful. I would recommend to any colleague new to the childcare works to speak to the consultant!’
27.4.2021
‘Lena Engel was great, she understood our family dynamics 15mins and we spent 45mins how to improve the family situation.
i have already recommended the service to my colleagues.’
6.4.2021
‘Lena put me at ease and gave me useful tips that I will start to implement in my parenting. She also confirmed that some things I was already doing is good. And gave helpful insights on how to do improve the parenting strategies I had already in place.
Thank you for helping defuse this stressful situation.’
1.4.2021
‘I just wanted to thank Lena for giving me some real life, helpful suggestions that I haven’t come across before. I feel confident to try them and reach out for further support if I need to.
I have already shared this with colleagues as I feel that parents don’t always have a lot of options to speak to anyone in this way unless it’s to a GP and don’t always want the formality of that.’
17.3.2021
‘We were really impressed with the service. The flexibility to speak in the evenings made this really easy to use. The consultant was excellent and so helpful. We got so much more support than we imagined we were going to get from the service. Thank you
Being able to access this service was such a valuable benefit to us. Balancing work and family life is always delicate and sometimes difficult to get right. Having concerns about your child can be really detrimental to this and being able to get support at a convenient time to us has taken away a lot of worries. The information we received is something which would have taken us a lot of time to research or we would have had to wait a long time for the advice through other channels such as the NHS or in our specific case private speech therapists or occupational therapists.’
17.3.2021
If you would like to contact Lena for one-on-one advice for children aged 0 – 19 years, please email her on [email protected]
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